Fine

"I'm fine, how are you?"

“Fine” and “okay” feel like nothing to me.

I’d so much rather feel upset. You see, when I'm angry, I can do something about it. I can rage. I can blame. I can throw my emotions at anyone who dares ask how I'm feeling.

I can process and learn from pain, but “fine” that is just numb - nothingness.

Since I’ve been sober, I’ve never been “fine” again. “Fine” is half-dead - fine is numb.

Lately I’ve felt fulfilled, happy, and excited.

I’ve also felt sad, anxious, depressed. 

I am learning to sit with these feelings and really truly feel these emotions - the entire spectrum of feelings.  We learn from feeling.

Most importantly, we learn that pain does not destroy us.  Pain reminds us that we can walk through hell and come out alive and stronger. 

Don't get me wrong, its hard feeling all these feelings. I've never done something as vulnerable and isolating, but darn it is worth every second of feeling completely and utterly alive.

It’s not hard because you’re doing it wrong.  Its hard because you are finally doing it right.  Feeling it all  is really hard but there’s one thing worse than feeling it all and that is missing it all.